When Life Changes, How Does it Change You?

Have you ever been blindsided by a life event or by your feelings about it? When a spouse or parent or child died, or when you retired or got divorced, or when you sold your business, were you confused and exhausted—on your best days? Did you have a tough time making decisions or even getting up in the morning and carrying on with the ordinary activities of your day? And did you have times like that even years after the event actually occurred?

Major life events—even when we know they’re coming—are pivotal times in our lives. We might not have any control over their occurrence or the timing of their occurrence, but we do have control over much of what happens next. We can choose the way we respond to the event, the type of guidance and support we seek out, and way we integrate the event into our lives. Do we let getting divorced or retirement define us, or do we use getting divorced or retiring as an opportunity to redefine ourselves?

There’s so much going in inside us and around us when we move through transitions, and there are many things that can go wrong and just as many that can go right. As with other parts of our lives, the more we know about what we’re up against, the greater the opportunity we have to make the most of it and thrive.

I have been studying Financial Transitions Planning with the Financial Transitionist Institute, a division of the Sudden Money Institute, and I’m always learning something new.

Here are my top 4 facts about transitions:

1.      There is a structure to transitions. They are composed of four stages, which have unique difficulties and decisions associated with them.

2.       Sometimes the best decision is no decision, and sometimes a decision must be made. There is no substitute for skillful guidance at those times.

3.      Each individual moves through the stages of transition in their own time and in their own way. Change takes years to adapt to, largely because it involves grieving. Whether we are talking about the loss of a person, a relationship, or a part of our identity, there is grief. And that grief needs to be honored.

4.      Most people want to move as quickly as possible through their transitions, but my advice is always to resist the urge to rush. When you hurry through whatever thoughts and feelings you have about an event and you don’t take the time to sit with them and process them, they don’t go away. At least not forever.

Life changes. How you let it change you is up to you.

In Praise of Millennials

            One common theme that comes up in almost all strategic planning engagements is “what do we do about Millennials?”   For most organizations that are run by older people, Millennials are often described in words that make them sound like an alien species from a digital planet dropped into our formerly analog world.   The data does support the idea that the Millennial generation (age 18-35) is different: (1) they support causes more than organizations (not good for organized religions with big buildings and budgets); (2) they buy what they want and only what they want rather than package deals; (3) they have a much broader view of what constitutes success; (4) they understand the complexity of the world we live in and as such are both cautious and idealistic.    Notice I did not use the word “entitled” for two reasons.  One, idealism can often look like entitlement when you know what you want but have no idea on how to get it, and, two, as the wealth of society increases every generation will appear more entitled than the one before them.  My grandparents were farmers and merchants in the mountains of Romania with no electricity or indoor plumbing.  To them, I was the most entitled thing they had ever met.

            I submit that the real issue with Millennials is not them but us.  The world has fundamentally changed at all levels and the Baby Boomers and Gen Xers who currently hold much of the power and wealth in our country have been slow to see the effects.   After the fall of the Berlin War and the “end” of the Cold War, the world shifted dramatically.  This was first acknowledged by the U.S. War College, of all places.   They concluded that we were entering a VUCA phase.   VUCA stands for Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity.   The term VUCA became very trendy in management and leadership circles at places like Wharton and Harvard.  Notwithstanding its “term of the moment” status, VUCA is real and it describes the world we live in.   Look at the developments of the last several years: Climate Change, ISIS, Market Crashes, Race Relations, Brexit, Syria, Putin, Trump’s election, ObamaCare and the list can go on and on.   These things appeared quickly, are hard to define, are incredibly complex, and seem to evade solution.

            If you are over 40-45 years old, it is as if you grew up in a Newtonian world of cause and effect.  If you went to college you could get a good job and make a decent living.  If you went to medical, law, or business school, you would become a professional and make even more.  You would buy a car and a home, get married, have 2.1 children, vacation in Florida, get divorced, remarry, and get social security at your retirement.  Then the pace of technological change quickened along with the flow and democratization of information, while the political and economic structure that existed since the end of World War II imploded often in spasms of violence that erupted all over an interconnected world.  For us Baby Boomers, we started in Newtonian world and found ourselves in a Quantum world where the rules of cause and effect are replaced by randomness, probability, complexity, and uncertainty:  a VUCA world.  If you want to know why Trump was elected, it was because he offered to the disenfranchised the unrealistic hope that he could eliminate VUCA and put us back in the 1980s.  He even stole the hair style from the band, Flock of Seagulls (Google it).

            Millennials, on the other hand, grew up in this VUCA world.   They do not expect certainty or long predictable periods for planning.  They have watched technology change rapidly and businesses and concept rise rapidly and fall just as fast.  They have watched years of war with ambiguous goals and complex situations that defy solutions that are better than the choice of evils.  They have seen change run ramshackle through the economy making billionaires out of some and devastating the once secure jobs and professions of their parents’ generations.   We are told that the leaders of a VUCA world must be flexible, grounded, open-minded, collaborative, and opportunistic.  From this perspective, it is hard to look at Millennials as behaving in an odd or irrational way.  The move forward with all guns blazing approach that characterized prior generations does not necessarily make sense in VUCA world, whether militarily or in business.   Finding your focus among VUCA is far from easy or intuitive.  Looking at how the Baby Boomers have handled an uncertain, interconnected, complex world over the last 15 years does not leave one with confidence that we have figured this out.   We are still trying to climb out of the shambles of 2008.   It is fair to expect someone in their 20’s to have it all figured out now that the illusions of stability of our generations have been stripped bare?

            So maybe next time a client asks me about what is wrong with the Millennials, I will answer with a question.  Is it possible that we are still living and working in an old paradigm and it is us that need to wake up to reality?   I often hear people of my parent’s generation say that they do not understand the world anymore.  I used to try and explain it as best as I could, but now I have stopped trying.   The universe is an infinitely complex and beautiful and scary place that can never be comprehended by the human brain.  Any belief that we have figured it out or are close to figuring it out is a conceit that we use to feel better about ourselves.  Accepting, and ultimately embracing, uncertainty is critical to living in a VUCA world.   In this respect, I have a lot to learn from my Millennial children and their colleagues.

Navigating Life's Transitions

            Life transitions, those moments and events that seem to alter the path of our lives sending us down new roads toward an unclear future, are often accompanied by paralyzing fear that obscures the opportunities for growth.  While it is true that in every moment life is evolving and where it is all taking us is never certain, there are moments that strike us as particularly transformative for better or worse.   These are the moments when profound change is inevitable despite whatever resistance to what is happening we may feel.   These events can include divorce, loss of a job, change of career, a significant illness, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one or a good friend, or even a simple moment of self-clarity where we see ourselves as we are.  All of these events have the effect of causing us to look in the mirror and confront our fears, self-doubts, and resistance.  We feel vulnerable and often look to others for advice and guidance.

             In financial counseling and planning, there seems to be an endless supply of advisors who will assist you in a transition if that transition involves access to wealth.   This can feel comforting because it takes our minds off the internal turmoil we are experiencing and shifts our focus to external tasks that give us a sensation of moving forward and taking control of our lives.   The reality, however, is that many of the steps taken when we are in a transition phase end up becoming things we wish we had not done.   Anyone who has accepted a new job in desperation after losing a job they loved understands this phenomenon.   It is very common after the death of a spouse that the survivor starts to sell things, such as the family home, based on a need to take action and feel like they are moving forward.   In my experience as an estate planner, these decisions are often ones that the survivor comes to regret.

             What should we do when we find ourselves in transition?   Stop . . . Breathe . . . Be Still. 

 The internal turmoil is the "gift" of difficult life transitions.  It needs to be explored, considered, and accepted before we move on.   If “everything has changed,” we need to (a) understand what has really changed within us and what remains the same; and (b) how these developments affect our values and our vision of ourselves and our goals.  All the “decisions” that have to be made in a transition must be made from a place of clear understanding about where we are and where we ultimately want to be.  Taking the time to reflect on these questions is essential.  Every individual and every situation is unique and the amount of time to reflect will vary greatly depending on a host of factors.   Nevertheless, a few basic steps can be identified: 

• Step One:  Figure out what needs to be dealt with immediately because it is required.   Make a list of the things that have to be done.  Be careful to separate things that we have to do from things we think we want to do.
• Step Two:  Make a decision to ignore the list of “want to do’s” and take some time to focus on self-assessment and a vision of the future.  Prepare a list of the key values that you want to animate your post-transition life.  Take as much time as you need.  This is not easy stuff and no one knows how much time you require better than you.
• Step Three:  If you need/want it find an advisor you trust.   If you are not sure where you want to go with things, select an advisor whose compensation is not dependent on ultimately selling you a product.  Depending on your situation, you may want a counselor, a coach, a consultant, a psychologist, a spiritual or religious guide, or even a close and trusted friend.  The key point is that any advisor provides the space and time for you to develop your unique approach going forward, not theirs.
• Step Four:  Once you are comfortable with your vision and values, you can then proceed to implement the decisions you are prepared to make.

In going through transitions it is imperative that we be kind to ourselves and keep things as simple as possible.  Brooke Miller of The Honey Studio, a holistic perinatal wellness center in suburban Detroit, told me that she advises new mothers that their goals for the first year of their new child’s life is to love their child and survive.  Everything else can wait.  I thought this was a beautiful example of trying to keep things simple during one of the most exciting and challenging life transitions any one goes through.  Brooke’s advice could also apply to divorce, new jobs, starting a new business, or coping with the death of a loved one.

I created Soul of Wealth to share what I have learned about dealing with transitions and to help others through these times.  Transitions can propel us forward in ways we only dreamed about if we are open to it.   The key is not to get trapped.  As Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”